This one is about stress. How I shout in its face and how I try to still my whirring mind.
I think I have written before about tics? Mine has always been shoulder jerking weirdness. A motor tic. I remember describing this as a kid as the urge to pop my shoulder in and out of its socket. I’m not sure that’s what actually happens, but it definitely used to make a satisfying click. The click has now gone, I’m guessing from wear and tear, and I’m left with a withered old, joint. It aches, pinches nerves, and still, the compulsion is there. It can take weeks after a stressful event for it to calm again, even when I’m feeling OK, those pesky stress hormones swarm through my veins. Now, my (usually annoyingly thick, weirdly curly/not curly) hair is, I think, falling out. Body and mind, eh?
Right now, we are spending a huge amount of time in hospital (for reasons I can’t go into yet) and I am taking extended carers leave from work, for the first time. But this isn’t a whiny post (…thank god, you say). What I really wanted to talk about is the things that I do to help get through the trickier times. I’m getting deja vu though, so forgive me if I’m repeating myself!
* Be aware of your own signs of stress and acknowledge them. Ignore annoying platitudes (I despise it when people try and cheer me up with a ‘I’m sure it will all work out!’. ‘ It will be fine!’. ‘Don’t worry!’). Unless you have walked in my kinda shoes, you have no idea. And it’s OK for me to feel things deeply and it’s OK to not feel OK. It’s just not OK to wallow. You are welcome to give me a slap if I start to do that.
* For me, being with my kids or animals is a cure all. Is it weird that I put them in the same category?
* Exercise and nature. I’m no gym bunny (icky sweat and running to get, nowhere?) but I walk every single day in the fens. Without that, I feel like I’m lacking air in my lungs. If I’m lucky, I’ll come face to face with a gentle roe deer, or a sly fox will give me side eye, and I feel more alive, somehow. The dogs keep me company. The colour green is calming.
* Do you ever play that desert island game in your head? Three foods: Cheese, bread, tomatoes. No question. But if I had to pick between music or books? I’d be as torn as Sophie was. I have a million playlists for every mood, but lately I’m trying to get back into albums. It’s what you listen to that is crucial. I tend to lean towards sadder music when I’m down, and just go with it. Nothing like a bit of Disintegration to feel validated.
* I’d choose a book over TV or film any day. I’m like a sponge for language, dialects, accents, and good books will feature in my dreams and conversations. The girls and I will often adopt an accent for a whole day, and then struggle to stop. I average on two books a month, mostly because I combine dog walks with an audio book. I sometimes have to remind myself to look up and see the world around me. Escapism at its very best. And for me, to have time where I think about something else is key.
* In the midst of a stressful event you’ll find me quiet, withdrawn, introverted. But afterwards, as I uncoil, poke my head out into the world, and sink into the hugs of my friends and family, I’ll then find offloading cathartic and be able to reflect back more objectively. I’m OK with that, and people close to me get it. That said, knowing that people are there, ready to send a hug? Invaluable. I read an article recently on the lessons shared of the dying (not at all as morbid as it sounds), the most common being to ditch work and spend more time with the people who make you happy. However stressful this event might be, at least I have the best company.
* Talking to someone can be the hardest thing, but also be lifeline that perhaps you didn’t even know you needed. I’m no good at asking for help, but I’m trying to get better at that.
* All that said, sometimes all I need is a blow out, imbibe, dance, seek hedonism - if only as a distraction. I’ve also been known to walk deep into the fens and have a little scream. Such a release.
Jeez, I feel better already! More soon x
Cystic fibrosis is an invisible condition. You can’t see it or what it does to the body. But it’s not invisible to the 10,800 people in the UK whose lives are dominated by it every single day. The challenge of living with cystic fibrosis is invisible. Except to the ones who live it.
