My mantra when faced with the kids, how can I put it, challenging behaviour (in the case of Rosa this is a big fat fricking AHHHHH!?!! at times) has always been ‘everything is just a phase’, and occasionally, that can be true of adults too. It is for me, and I still now need to remind myself that how I am feeling one day won’t be forever.
I hope that mental-health awareness week goes a long way to help others understand mental ill-health, and accept and embrace this in the same way they do physical ill-health. My own experience has not been a particularly dramatic one, but I respect my mental health now and try to take better care of my mind and body to keep myself well.
In my hard partying twenties I once found myself sobbing, literally paralysed at the top of the stairs in a pub, irrationally feeling 100% sure if I delved down into the basement toilets I would be attacked (anxiety induced paranoia).I became pretty agoraphobic at college for a while, alongside a weird addiction to watching Dallas repeats on UK gold.Even now, I can understand the addictive lure of self harm to release stress (I resist now, but didn’t always).Today I rely on a daily dose of Citralopram to keep my anxiety on an even keel (for me, this works, and if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!);I use alcohol to self medicate for stress on a pretty regular basis....(not recommending that one).
Yet ask any of my friends, and I’m pretty sure they would tell you that I am one of the happiest, most chirpy people they know, most of the time. I think I balance hiding it well, whilst also confiding in my right people, when I need to (find your right people). At my saddest, I want to dig a hole, talk to no-one, listen to sad music very loudly with headphones on, non-stop, maybe walk to the river with my dog and morbidly stare at twigs and leaves for hours.
But having a big family means I cannot hide for long, and this is both THE most annoying and yet THE most wonderful thing. It no doubt saves me.
BUT this is me; a healthy Mum of three absolutely gorgeous children, with a job I love and some pretty kick-arse friends and family to boot. When I feel down, I feel guilty too, knowing all I know about how hard life with CF can be; I have to be able to pick myself up to show an example to Isaac, whose challenges, stresses and pains are a hundred-fold to any of mine (albeit I am his Mum, and I love him so much, his pain hurts me too).
I am no expert, and but the one thing that I can share that always helps me is music. I have eclectic tastes (I make no apologies for a little prog-rock in there!) but in those moments, these are the kind of songs that help me most. I hope you like them. I’m not quite sure how this sharing playlists works, so if you click on the link and get loads of weird hip-hop, that will be Isaac, as we share an account. Anyway, let me know what you think, and also, what helps you. Because one thing is f’sho.... sharing helps peeps! Much love x
PS: Spotify sometimes adds random tracks they think you might like to the end of playlists, to stop this, go to settings, and turn off auto play, I think that works. Unless you like random suggestions that is. I just don’t want them to add some Cliff Richards and for you to think it come from me 🤨
